Friday Query Critique

If you would like to offer your query for public critique, send it to lydiasharp4sff (at) yahoo (dot) com and put "query critique" somewhere in the subject line.

You may email your query at any time and I will send you a confirmation of receipt.

One critique be posted each Friday on a "first come, first serve" basis. I will email you a notification the day your query critique appears on the blog. All queries are posted anonymous.

Queries can be for novels of any genre, but my specific areas of interest are science fiction, fantasy, contemporary women's fiction, and young adult fiction (contemporary, romance, science fiction, fantasy).

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QUERY


My book is an urban fantasty chick-lit novel called Kissing a gorgon. It is about a 21st Century woman, named Medusa, who is trying to make it in the Big Apple. She must battle her approaching 30's, her gorgon heritage, and her on off again relationship with the fallen god, Ares.

Her partner in crime is the flamboyant bi-sexual Hermes, who helps her with PR for the fallen Greek Gods and Mythical Beings.

Medusa has just turned 30 and has discovered she does not have the genetic stone disease which plagues her kind. Now she must figure out the life she never planned for.

The Climatic turning point comes when she makes a routine trip home to Gorgon isle to visit her mother. While there, she learns her true identity; she was created from an ancient Gorgon ritual using the original Medusa's blood. Her aunt informs her she is destined to be the new Queen of the Gorgons, but she is not ready to give up her life in New York. And there's a pressing issue with humans starting to worship the political, stoic Prometheus. This situation creates complicated feelings for Medusa, as she is not sure if her relationship with Prometheus is platonic or something more. If enough humans worship him again, the Gods could regain their powers. More than a few Gods would like to extract revenge on the humans they once enslaved.

I am requesting to send pages for your review. I have enclosed a SASE envelope as well.

Thank you.

LYDIA'S COMMENTS

My book is an urban fantasty chick-lit novel called Kissing a gorgon KISSING A GORGON. {book titles should be in ALL CAPS} It is about a 21st Century woman, named Medusa, who is trying to make it in the Big Apple. {What is she trying to make it as? a business woman? an artist? etc. This is a good opportunity to give some brief insight into her character.} She must battle her approaching 30's,{as a woman in her thirties who is battling many things, I'd like to know what you're specifically referring to here} her gorgon heritage,{again, I need a more specific reference here. Do you mean that she has to hide her head of snakes?} and her on off again on-again/off-again relationship with the fallen god, Ares.

Her partner in crime is the flamboyant bi-sexual Hermes, who helps her with PR for the fallen Greek Gods and Mythical Beings. {This paragraph feels unnecessary. Either expand it or cut it.}

So far this is a really interesting concept, but I'm not understanding the plot.

Medusa has just turned 30 and has discovered she does not have the genetic stone disease which plagues her kind. Now she must figure out the life she never planned for. {this paragraph doesn't connect to anything}

The Climatic turning point comes when she makes a routine trip home to Gorgon isle to visit her mother. While there, she learns her true identity; she was created from an ancient Gorgon ritual using the original Medusa's blood. Her aunt informs her she is destined to be the new Queen of the Gorgons, but she is not ready to give up her life in New York. {I get the sense that this is a major conflict for her, but since I don't know what her "life in New York" was all about, the tension is lost.} And there's a pressing issue with humans starting to worship the political, stoic Prometheus. This situation creates complicated feelings for Medusa, as she is not sure if her relationship with Prometheus is platonic or something more. {This is another conflict that lost tension for me because it doesn't connect to anything.} If enough humans worship him again, the Gods could regain their powers. More than a few Gods would like to extract revenge on the humans they once enslaved. {Again, no solid connection. All of the points are fine on their own, but when thrown together there is no cohesiveness. I step away from this pitch feeling lost.}

I am requesting to send pages for your review. I have enclosed a SASE envelope as well. {the E stands for envelope}

Thank you.

As I said above, you have an interesting concept here. The idea of mythical gods living as people, blending in with the modern American populous, is quite intriguing. Add to this that the main character is Medusa-- my personal favorite from Greek mythology-- and I believe you have an idea worth reading about here.

The main problem I have with the query, however, is that the presentation of the plot isn't following a natural flow from one point to the next.

• Start with your main character-- who she is and what her goal is.
• Then go into your conflict-- what prevents her from that goal.
• Then raise the stakes-- what makes the conflict worse, more intense, perhaps even a matter of life and death.
• End on a tough choice the main character must make that is directly connected to the main conflict you've presented.

To see more clearly what I mean by the above points, study the example I highlighted at the end of this post.

Also, the overall tone of the query feels like a cold reading of events. Write the query as if you are the main character relaying your story (albeit in third person) rather than the author talking about a story you wrote.

There are a lot of typos in this query. Before sending any piece of writing to an agent or editor, have someone proofread it for you.

Thank you for offering your query for public critique. Good luck with this!

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Does anyone else have any suggestions or comments for our brave writer-friend?

Happy writing,
~Lydia