Friday Query Critique

My lovely writer-friends! I've had such a great response to Friday Query Critique that I have to put a halt on new queries at this time. Anyone who has sent a query and received confirmation of receipt, I will post your critique in the upcoming weeks. Any new queries received, as of today, will be deleted unread.

Once I get through the queue, I'm going to take a break from public query critiques for an as-of-yet undetermined length of time. But I plan to do a regular Friday Query Critique again in the future. Thank you all so much for making this a success!

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Query:


Dear Mr./Ms. Agent,

I am currently seeking representation for THE GUARDIAN OF THRESHOLD, a 98,000 words work of urban-fantasy fiction, aimed primarily at the young adult market.

How far would you go to see a dead parent again?

The death of a parent would disturb any fifteen-year-old, but for Mark Anthony Ryser it throws him beyond the threshold and into the world of the dead. There he must find his dead mother, defeat Phasma and rescue his best friend. On top of it all, there is no guarantee that he'll ever set foot in the physical world again, or if his body will be waiting for him when he returns.

THE GUARDIAN OF THRESHOLD is a complete story in itself and the first volume of the series called THRESHOLD CHRONICLES.

I would like to thank you in advance for your kind time and consideration.
The complete manuscript and synopsis are available upon your request.


Lydia's Comments:


Dear Mr./Ms. Agent,

I am currently seeking representation for {No need to state the obvious.} THE GUARDIAN OF THRESHOLD is a 98,000 words work of urban-fantasy fiction, aimed primarily at the young adult market. young adult urban fantasy novel of 98,000 words.

{Put the above paragraph at the end of your pitch.}

How far would you go to see a dead parent again? {Not a fan of starting with a question.

A) The question is aimed at me, the reader, which has a 99.99% chance of me providing an answer that has nothing to do with this story.

B) I'd rather you start with your lead character than make me think about myself.

If you'd like to see how an agent feels about starting with a rhetorical question, click HERE.}

The death of a parent would disturb any fifteen-year-old, {The way this is worded puts unnecessary distance between me and the lead character. It feels more like the author is telling me about him, instead of him talking about himself.} but for Mark Anthony Ryser it throws him beyond the threshold and into the world of the dead. {Need more here. How does this happen? Why is he different than the average teen?} There he must find his dead mother, defeat Phasma and rescue his best friend. {Why, why, and why? You listed three things he "must" do, but I have no idea what's really going on here, or what's at stake.} On top of it all, {generic segue} there is no guarantee that he'll ever set foot in the physical world again, {Why?} or if his body will be waiting for him when he returns. {Why?}

THE GUARDIAN OF THRESHOLD is a complete story in itself and the first volume of the series called THRESHOLD CHRONICLES. stand alone novel with series potential.

I would like to thank you in advance for your kind time and consideration.
The complete manuscript and synopsis are available upon your request.

You have a lot of room to expand this, make it less confusing and more tense. Sometimes it's possible to present all the necessary points in a single brief paragraph, but two is usually better. As is, my question of "why?" is said out of confusion rather than anticipation.

It's a delicate balance between "not enough" and "too much" information.

Start with your lead character. Make it clear why this person is going on this journey. Without that in the beginning the rest of it isn't going to make sense.

Thank you for offering your query for public critique, and good luck with this!

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Does anyone else have any comments or suggestions for our brave writer-friend?

Happy writing,
~Lydia