Friday Query Critique

This is my final query critique. Thanks to everyone who has participated over the past few months!
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QUERY


Dear Ms. Sharp,

My book is in the category of women's fiction and titled CHOCOLATE FOR BREAKFAST. It takes place in the late 1970's and centers around a young woman who spends a year of college in Switzerland with two friends. Bernadette desperately wants to experience everything, especially the love of a man, and rushes into a sexual situation, equating sex with love.

By the time Bernadette realizes she's pregnant, the father (her weekend fling) has disappeared, and she's faced with a difficult decision. She decides to carry the baby to term and give it up for adoption, and thinks she can conceal the pregnancy. But a series of events, including a new love interest and an unexpected death, challenge her in the coming months. At the conclusion of her year abroad, she gives birth to a boy, and all she sees of him is his hair, the color of carrots, just like hers. She never stops thinking about him. After this event, the story picks up twelve years later, and again sixteen years after that.

This novel is at 60,000 words and is my first effort.

Your consideration is very much appreciated. Thank you in advance.
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LYDIA'S COMMENTS

Dear Ms. Sharp,

My book is in the category of women's fiction and titled CHOCOLATE FOR BREAKFAST. It takes place in the late 1970's and centers around a young woman who spends a year of college in Switzerland with two friends.

Start with your lead character.

Bernadette desperately wants to experience everything, especially the love of a man,{period} and While attending college in Switzerland she rushes into a sexual situation relationship, equating sex with love.

By the time Bernadette realizes she's pregnant, the father (her weekend fling) has disappeared, and she's faced with a difficult decision. {Specify her decision. Don't assume the reader will assume it.} She decides to carry the baby to term and give it up for adoption, and thinks she can conceal the pregnancy. {conceal the pregnancy from what, or whom? Clarify the conflict here. I'm guessing it has something to do with the time period, but I'd rather not have to guess. And to what extent does she think she can conceal it, because that third trimester will be a mite difficult to hide.} But a series of events, including a new love interest and an unexpected death, challenge her in the coming months. {Be more specific. Who dies? Why is this a challenge? What is the conflict?} At the conclusion of her year abroad, she gives birth to a boy, and all she sees of him is his hair, the color of carrots, just like hers. She never stops thinking about him. {I don't understand how this makes things "worse" for her. The succession of plot events should be getting worse as they go along here. More tension, more conflict, bigger stakes.} After this event, the story picks up twelve years later, and again sixteen years after that.

This novel CHOCOLATE FOR BREAKFAST is a work of women's fiction complete at 60,000 words, and is my first effort. {Cute title. But how is it relevant to the pitch?}

Your consideration is very much appreciated. Thank you in advance.

The main problem I'm seeing here, other than what I stated above, is that I don't see a story progression. The novel is about a young woman with an unplanned pregnancy, but I see nothing unique about her situation. And going by the way the pitch ended, I'm guessing that she inadvertently comes in contact with her son again, and a new conflict is introduced....

So it appears this novel has a lot of things that happen, but those things don't necessarily add up to a plot.

The "unplanned pregnancy while I'm still in school" story has been told a million times. Show us what elements make your story unique. Start with your lead character and her goal. Then introduce the conflict that prevents her from that goal. Then raise the stakes (be specific). End on a tough choice she must make to progress toward resolving the conflict (this ends your query on a high point of tension).

Thank you for offering your query for public critique, and good luck!

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Does anyone else have any suggestions for our brave writer-friend?

~Lydia