Friday Query Critique

If you would like to offer your query for public critique, send it to lydiasharp4sff (at) yahoo (dot) com and put "query critique" somewhere in the subject line.

You may email your query at any time and I will send you a confirmation of receipt.

One to three critiques will be posted each Friday, depending on my workload. Queries are posted anonymous. I may choose to keep your critique private through email (if I do, I will tell you why).

Queries can be for novels of any genre, but my specialty areas are science fiction, fantasy, and young adult fiction (contemporary of any type, science fiction, fantasy).

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Query


[name of agent redacted]:

I have recently registered for [redacted] Conference in [redacted], March 2012. Through their website, I learned of your attendance to the event. I researched your submission guidelines and found that what I have written fits the criteria of what you are looking for. With that said, I am happy to offer you an exclusive look at my novel, EVELYN CROSS AND THE FALL OF TRINITY, a paranormal fantasy complete at approximately 95,000 words.

Destroy the box, save the world.

When harvester, Evy Cross, steals a box from the dead city of Rome, she unleashes a horde of shape-shifting demons hell-bent on destruction. It has magic so powerful, regular people obtain supernatural powers. A cruel overlord, Mattheis, will stop at nothing to possess the stolen artifact. He executes Evy’s sister in front of her and burns her city to the ground.

Revenge is Evy’s new favorite flavor. To avenge her sister’s death, Evy must team up with the wretched Stephan James and his team of unworldly beings and take the fiancé of the man she loves under her protection. Her quest to kill Mattheis is hampered by danger, betrayal, a thousand-year-old prophecy and an army of the Mattheis’ followers, among which are a plethora of demons.

I would be delighted to send an entire manuscript for your review. Thank you in advance for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you and seeing you at the conference.

Lydia's Comments

[name of agent redacted]:

I have recently registered for [redacted] Conference in [redacted], March 2012. Through their website, I learned of your attendance to the event. I researched your submission guidelines and found that what I have written fits the criteria of what you are looking for. With that said, I am happy to offer you an exclusive look at my novel, EVELYN CROSS AND THE FALL OF TRINITY, a paranormal fantasy complete at approximately 95,000 words.

I like how you opened the letter with specifics to the agent. The only thing that made me pause was the offer of an exclusive look at your novel right off the bat. At this early stage, offering an exclusive is neither expected nor necessary.

Destroy the box, save the world. {Personally, I like pitches that open with a tag line, but some people don't. Just be aware that you're taking a risk by starting this way.}

When harvester {If her harvesting skills aren't necessary to the pitch, don't mention this. If it is necessary to the pitch, clarify how it relates.}, Evy Cross, steals a box from the dead city of Rome, {What do you mean by "dead"? As far as I know, Rome is still a thriving city. Also, using the word "steals" raises the question of "why is she stealing it?"} she unleashes a horde of shape-shifting demons hell-bent on destruction. It has magic so powerful, regular people obtain supernatural powers. {How, just by touching it, or...? Is this why Evy wants it? Or does she discover this fact *after* stealing it? Without a point of reference, I'm lost.} A cruel overlord, Mattheis, will stop at nothing to possess the stolen artifact. {This is an awkward introduction for this character. Was he part of the horde unleashed from the box? Or did he know about it before and she got to it first? Or does he want it only after seeing what it is capable of, after Evy stole it? What does "cruel overlord" mean? It makes me wonder if he's even human.} He executes Evy’s sister in front of her and burns her city to the ground. {What does her sister have to do with this? "Her city" is... what? Rome? And what does killing Evy's sister and burning down an entire city accomplish? How does someone burn down a city without the authorities getting involved? Again, this makes me wonder if Mattheis is human or not, but nothing about him has been clarified.}

My main issue so far is that the introductory paragraph raises far too many questions. My confusion is distracting me from what is likely a really intense story.

Revenge is Evy’s new favorite flavor. {LOVE this sentence.} To avenge her sister’s death, Evy must team up with the wretched Stephan James and his team of unworldly beings {why? Who is this person? What are his stakes in the issue? Why is he helping her? Again, too many questions result from a weak character introduction.} and take the fiancé of the man she loves under her protection. {First, mentioning that there is a person she has to protect during all of this, without connecting that person to any other part of the pitch, feels like an unnecessary side point. It's a frayed edge-- cut it loose. Second, the word "fiancé" denotes male. If that's what you meant, fine. Reading it like that, I assumed the man she loves is gay. But if you meant female, change it to fiancée.} Her quest to kill Mattheis is hampered by danger, betrayal, a thousand-year-old prophecy {This is too vague. You have room to expand and be more specific. Without specifics, I don't really know what's at stake so the tension is lost.} and an army of the Mattheis’ followers, among which are a plethora of demons.

I would be delighted to send an entire manuscript for your review. Thank you in advance for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you and seeing you at the conference.

Even with all that red lettering above, I am intrigued enough by the concept of the box that I would read the first pages of the story. (except that I, personally, wouldn't actually read it because I don't read books about angels and/or demons. I just meant that you have something there that piques interest on its own.) But I'm coming away from this pitch more confused than anything else. Some of the events don't connect as solidly as I think they could, such as avenging her sister's death. And I still don't know why Evy is involved with this crazy box in the first place. Clarify her goal and motives as early as possible, preferably in the very first sentence.

Thank you so much for offering your query letter for public critique. Best of luck to you!

Does anyone else have any suggestions for our brave writer-friend?

Happy querying,
~Lydia

Book Cover Reveal - TIDAL WHISPERS

Check out this amazing cover for the upcoming Tidal Whispers anthology, which includes a story from one of my personal author-friends, Kelly Said.

Helloooooo, GORGEOUS! I'm officially in love.

If you'd like to add Tidal Whispers to your goodreads shelf, click here.
For more info, including publisher details and story titles & blurbs, check out Kelly's blog, here.

Connecting Your Opposite Turning Points In Story Structure - Part Two

Last week we discussed three of the six pairs of opposite turning points in story structure. Turning points can be used as a framework for a rough outline before you write your story, and can be referred to again during revisions to help tighten and solidify your story arc.


Opening                            Closing

Set-up                               Grand Finale

Catalyst                             Break Into Three

Debate                               Dark Night of the Soul

Break Into Two                 All Is Lost

Fun & Games                    "Bad Guys" Close In

                       Midpoint


Information about the midpoint can be found here, and we covered the first three pairs of turning points in last week's post here. Now, onto the final three.


Debate and Dark Night of the Soul

These two sections are where the factors come into play that affect the decision-making connected to the catalyst and the break into three. I personally refer to the debate as "should I do this or shouldn't I?" and the dark night of the soul as "I should keep going but I don't know how."

In the debate, the protagonist weighs all the options before making a decision that will result in a point of no return, thrusting them into the main premise without the option of backing out. In the dark night of the soul, the protagonist believes that "all is lost" until something or someone shows them differently. Or simply reminds them of what they already knew. Then, again, the options are weighed before making a firm decision to fix everything, but this time the protagonist knows more about the risks, having already experienced many of them firsthand through the course of the story thus far.

The main thing to remember about these two points is that they are both about calculating risks, but the further into the story you are, the more information and experience you have, which is what makes the dark night of the soul so... dark. And that's where the opposites are seen. The protagonist starts out hopeful, then is kicked down and kicked down again and kicked down again until they feel they can't possibly get back up again. So the debate in the first half of the story appears shallow, selfish, in comparison to the debate in the second half.

That isn't to say that the first debate is shallow and selfish. Just by comparison, relatively speaking, because more facts and risks are known in the second half. The later choice is exponentially more difficult, usually involving some kind of self-sacrifice--and it should show.


Break Into Two and All Is Lost

The break into the second act is a huge push from the protagonist onto themselves. The have made a choice to move toward a clear goal, closely connected to the main premise of the story. The possibility of failure is always there, but the protag doesn't feel the full weight of it yet. They are on a "start of the journey" high, not yet beaten down by repeated efforts of the antagonist to ensure they don't succeed.

On the flip side is the "all is lost" moment, which happens near the end of act two. At this point the huge push onto the protagonist is coming from the antagonist, so the effect is negative rather than positive. The protagonist is pushed so hard, in fact, that they truly believe (even if only for a moment) that there is no hope for them. They have failed. They want to give up. They can't see a way out or through or around. They feel lost in every sense.

So in terms of refining/emphasizing the effect of these turning points, viewing them side by side should show the stark contrast between the two. One is entirely positive (forward momentum toward a clear goal, a decision made by the protagonist) and the other is entirely negative (a standstill, no forward movement, or they may feel that they've moved backwards).


Fun & Games and "Bad Guys" Close In

In my previous series on story structure, I referred to the fun & games portion as "the promise of the premise" and the bad guys close in section as "the big squeeze." The reason being, the terms "fun & games" and "bad guys close in", if taken too literally while drafting, can pretty much ruin your plot.

But rather than explain all of that again, if you're not familiar with what these sections entail, or why they are called what they are called, click here and here.

These two sections are so closely related to the previous two (break into two and all is lost) that I could almost copy the same thoughts here that I stated above. One is mostly positive (fun & games) and one is mostly negative (bad guys close in).

The tricky part of these, however, is that it's more of an "I know what I'm doing" section versus a "what the hell am I doing?" section. In the fun & games section, the first half of act two, the protagonist is much more confident than in the bad guys close in section. Why?

The midpoint, mostly. Which is why understanding the midpoint is crucial to understanding story structure. At the midpoint you have either a false peak or a false collapse (again, this is explained here). But no matter what happens at the midpoint, it will always mark a shift in the protagonist's view toward their own situation.

Let me repeat that. It marks a shift in the protagonist's view toward their own situation. So on the one side of act two, the protagonist is feeling relatively confident, and on the other side of act two, the protagonist begins wavering more toward insecure. Indecisive. Tumbling out of control. Until they reach the all is lost moment, the ultimate low.

These sections can also be compared in terms of what the protagonist knows going into act two versus what the protagonist learns at, or just after, the midpoint. The second half of act two is prime real estate for the revealing of dirty secrets, or the uncovering of vital clues. It puts more and more negative pressure on the protagonist. It makes them question everything and everyone. It steals their confidence, changes their viewpoint.

Understanding why and how these sections revolve so closely to the midpoint shift is key to understanding their similarities and differences, and can help you write and revise them more effectively.

I hope this two-part series on opposite structural turning points has been helpful. If you have any questions, please leave them in the comments section below.

Happy writing!
~Lydia

Friday Query Critique

If you would like to offer your query for public critique, send it to lydiasharp4sff (at) yahoo (dot) com and put "query critique" somewhere in the subject line.

You may email your query at any time and I will send you a confirmation of receipt.

One to three critiques will be posted each Friday, depending on my workload. Queries are posted anonymous. I may choose to keep your critique private through email (if I do, I will tell you why).

Queries can be for novels of any genre, but my specialty areas are science fiction, fantasy, and young adult fiction (contemporary of any type, science fiction, fantasy).

_____


Query #1


Dear Agent:

Gail's life has not been perfect. She might have avoided making a few important decisions, like who to marry and where to live. After her arranged marriage fails, she is paralyzed with fear and spends the first three months hiding behind the pages of her Harlequin romance novels.

Encouraged by her best friend, Gail makes the decision to strike out on her own. She gets a little unexpected help from a strange cast of characters, her over-the-top grandmother, and Tony Cimino, the man who waits patiently for her to finally see him.

Both over-shadowed by siblings, Gail and Tony have learned to settle for what they were told was all they could expect from life. He hides landscape magazines behind the ovens of his father's pizza and sub joint on Broadway. She hides behind thick lenses and dreams of studying graphic art.

Gail did not expect to love her new life, and never expected the love of another to find her. She cannot believe he is her chance at happiness and tries to push him away. But Tony, a man who knows what he wants and sees it in Gail, is not going to give up so easily.

ONCE MORE AROUND THE BLOCK, complete at 80K words, is a love story about two people who find the courage to start over. I would be happy to send part of all of the complete manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Lydia's Comments

Dear Agent:

Gail's life has not been perfect. She might have avoided making a few important decisions, like who to marry and where to live. After her arranged marriage fails, she is paralyzed with fear and spends the first three months hiding behind the pages of her Harlequin romance novels.

I almost cut the phrase "paralyzed with fear" but I think it just needs clarification. Can you show a specific reason why she's fearful? Just stating that her marriage failed could mean anything. Why did her failed marriage result in fear?

Encouraged by her best friend, Gail makes the decision to strikes out {do you mean ventures out?} on her own. She gets a little unexpected help {help doing what? This is a good opportunity to cite events in your plot that make your story unique.} from a strange cast of characters, her over-the-top grandmother, and Tony Cimino, the man who waits patiently for her to finally see him.

Listing the "strange cast of characters" she meets on her journey doesn't help me understand the plot. I'd rather you used those words to show me what they're all doing together, instead of just stating who they are.

Both over-shadowed by siblings, Gail and Tony have learned to settle for what they were told was all they could expect from life. He hides landscape magazines behind the ovens of his father's pizza and sub joint on Broadway. She hides behind thick lenses and dreams of studying graphic art.

The above paragraph is character development, not plot movement.

Gail did not expect to love her new life, and never expected the love of another to find her. She cannot believe he is her chance at happiness and tries to push him away. {why? This is the final paragraph. I should understand the reason behind everything you say here. The time for asking "why?" is in the beginning of the pitch, not the end.} But Tony, a man who knows what he wants and sees it in Gail, is not going to give up so easily. {again, why? The statements in this paragraph have not been properly set up in the preceding paragraphs.}

ONCE MORE AROUND THE BLOCK is a work of women's fiction, complete at 80K ,000 words, is a love story about two people who find the courage to start over. I would be happy to send part of all of the complete full manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Overall I feel like I'm missing a vital part of the plot, the part that makes your story unique. What I gather from this query is that you have a typical baseline for women's fiction-- a woman finding a way to move on with her life, and possibly find love, after a bad marriage-- but it is missing that special IT factor that takes the story to the next level.

Your story may very well have the IT factor I'm referring to, but I'm not seeing it here.

Contemporary fiction creates a beautiful challenge for its writers. You have to come up with a unique concept without the aid of fantastical elements, like you'd find in speculative fiction. It's a challenge, yes, but not impossible.

Many women's fiction novels revolve around a generic theme, such as having children, finding love, saving a marriage, etc. Which is fine. But you also have to have a unique concept made clear by the events of your plot. That's what will make this query stand out in a slush pile.

So whatever IT is in your story, clarify it. Emphasize it. Make it shine.

Thank you so much for offering your query for public critique, and good luck!

_____


Query #2


Dear Ms. Agent,


Have you ever thought that everything in your life was going your way, right until fate looked down on you and laughed? Hysterically? Yeah, Elle too.

Elle thought everything was going as planned, halfway through dental school and to her career as a dentist. She didn't expect to fall for her classmate Michael, and she really didn't expect to break off her relationship with her boyfriend of six years because of it. In a phone call. Oh well, she did anyway, and now Michael doesn't want to get serious with her. Of course he doesn't.

So what's a newly-single girl to do? Become the Maneater...obviously.

With her friends and partners in crime by her side, Elle navigates the territory that can only be described as the dating scene in Boston. She experiences the world of boys, bars and Bud Light - in a bottle, thank you very much. There are some exciting ups (Joseph, the valet parker for the Nine Zero hotel; Jesse, the beautiful boy at the club; and Nate, the gallery owner at the Armani Café) and some horrifying downs (Ryan, the black-toothed wonder; Bryan, the physics professor with the combover from hell; and Paul...well, some things are best kept a surprise). Even worse than dealing with guys, though, is dealing with Bridezilla, her best friend from college who's gone temporarily insane over her wedding.

It's not easy trying to balance dental school, dating, and dodging an incredibly bad bridesmaid dress, but somehow Elle does it all, with enough time to spare for a plate of nachos and french fries at Beantown Pub. But will Michael come back around for good? Will she make it through her third year of dental school in one piece? More importantly, will she have enough self-control to refrain from throttling the Bridezilla? The Maneater in the City is the beginning of Elle's journey of self-discovery at a time in her life when everyone around her seems more obsessed with coupling up than with being the best person possible, single or not. Readers of contemporary women's fiction - especially those on the fast track to career success, whether in the medical field or elsewhere - will identify with the heroine and relate to her frustrations, experiences, and of course, her bad dates.

The Maneater in the City is 80,958 words and is my first manuscript. I have been writing since the age of five, and although I am a full-time dentist, my career has not kept me from my writing, which is what I am most passionate about. My poetry, short stories and flash fiction pieces have appeared in [redacted] as well as two issues of the online magazine [redacted]. I am a member of the Romance Writers of America and the Chick Lit Writers of the World. I attend as many writing conferences as I do dental conferences, and unsurprisingly, I can relate to Elle more than I care to admit.

Please let me know if you are interested in further information regarding The Maneater in the City. It is on multiple submission, and I hope to find a home for it soon.

Thank you very much for your time, and I appreciate your taking my query letter into consideration.

Lydia's Comments

Dear Ms. Agent,

Have you ever thought that everything in your life was going your way, right until fate looked down on you and laughed? Hysterically? Yeah, Elle too.

Elle thought everything was going as planned, halfway through dental school and to her career as a dentist. {Redundant. I can assume she's studying for a career as dentist if she's in dental school.} She didn't expect to fall for her classmate Michael, and she really didn't expect to break off her relationship with her boyfriend of six years because of it. In a phone call. Oh well, she did anyway, and now Michael doesn't want to get serious with her. Of course he doesn't.

So what's a newly-single girl to do? Become the Maneater...obviously.

There is a fine line between too much character voice and just enough character voice in a query. How do you know when you've crossed that line? When the character voice distracts from the pitch.

With her friends and partners in crime by her side, Elle navigates the territory that can only be described as the dating scene in Boston. She experiences the world of boys, bars and Bud Light - in a bottle, thank you very much. There are some exciting ups (Joseph, the valet parker for the Nine Zero hotel; Jesse, the beautiful boy at the club; and Nate, the gallery owner at the Armani Café) and some horrifying downs (Ryan, the black-toothed wonder; Bryan, the physics professor with the combover from hell; and Paul...well, some things are best kept a surprise). {If you made her varied experiences with the boys the main point of your pitch, then detailing them like this might work. But otherwise, no.} Even worse than dealing with guys, though, is dealing with Bridezilla, her best friend from college who's gone temporarily insane over her wedding. {Redundant. I think most people understand what the term Bridezilla means.}

After another read-through, I think it's better to leave the Bridezilla element out of the query. I'm guessing it's more of a subplot in the novel than something directly tied to the main plot. Subplots are better left discovered in the novel while reading. They aren't necessary to the pitch.

It's not easy trying to balance dental school, dating, and dodging an incredibly bad bridesmaid dress, but somehow Elle does it all, with enough time to spare for a plate of nachos and french fries at Beantown Pub. But will Michael come back around for good? Will she make it through her third year of dental school in one piece? More importantly, will she have enough self-control to refrain from throttling the Bridezilla? The Maneater in the City is the beginning of Elle's journey of self-discovery at a time in her life when everyone around her seems more obsessed with coupling up than with being the best person possible, single or not. Readers of contemporary women's fiction - especially those on the fast track to career success, whether in the medical field or elsewhere - will identify with the heroine and relate to her frustrations, experiences, and of course, her bad dates.

The Maneater in the City {title should be in ALL CAPS} is 80,958 000 words {with novels, round your word count to the nearest five thousand.} and is my first manuscript. {You're missing the genre here, women's fiction.} I have been writing since the age of five, and although I am a full-time dentist, my career has not kept me from my writing, which is what I am most passionate about. My poetry, short stories and flash fiction pieces have appeared in [redacted] as well as two issues of the online magazine [redacted]. I am a member of the Romance Writers of America and the Chick Lit Writers of the World. I attend as many writing conferences as I do dental conferences, and unsurprisingly, I can relate to Elle more than I care to admit.

Please let me know if you are interested in further information regarding The Maneater in the City. It is on multiple submission, and I hope to find a home for it soon.

If the agent is interested, they will let you know. No need to state it.

Thank you very much for your time, and I appreciate your taking my query letter into consideration.

I think this query needs a re-vision. Meaning, I'd suggest you envision a different approach. The points you need are there, but they're out of order and overcrowded by unnecessary points.

It took me a few reads, but I can see a fun chick-lit-y type novel hiding under that jumble of words. If you focus more on her struggles in the dating arena I think this could be a great pitch. As is, it's a bit all over the place. Hone in on the main plot-- show us what kind of stakes are involved, and what might result from her choices.

I can imagine a story like this being a comedy of errors. If that's what it is, show it in the query.

Also, tone down the voice. Just a smidge. Like I said before it's a fine line. You don't want the query to be too dry, but it's easy to be an eager beaver and push the voice into annoyance territory.

Thank you for sharing your query with us, and good luck!

Does anyone else have any suggestions for either of our brave writer-friends?

~Lydia

Connecting Your Opposite Turning Points In Story Structure - Part One

One way to look at a story's structure is like a mirror placed at the midpoint that displays the first half in the reflection, which creates the second half. Everything you have in place from the opening to the midpoint should have a partner that evenly matches up to it from the midpoint to the ending.

Rather than look at your structural points in one long list from start to finish, take your outline and tear it in half, then flip the second half upside down and set it next to the first half, side by side. Like this:

Opening                            Closing

Set-up                               Grand Finale

Catalyst                             Break Into Three

Debate                               Dark Night of the Soul

Break Into Two                 All Is Lost

Fun & Games                   "Bad Guys" Close In

                       Midpoint


Midpoint aside (for details of what the midpoint is all about, click here), each point is paired with another point in the complementary half. The paired points are similar in nature, but also opposites. Like a reflection in the mirror.

Opening and Closing

These are the most obvious. They are at the furthest points you can go in either direction. Wherever your story starts, it must end with something significantly changed. If there isn't a clear opposite in your opening and closing, then everything in the middle is pointless. If the ending makes your story feel pointless, then your reader will feel, at the least, dissatisfied, or at the most, irate for having wasted their time.

To ensure the opening and closing "match up", take the very first page of your manuscript and the very last page and (you guessed it!) place them side by side. Is the tone of the ending opposite of the beginning? Is there a clear change in the viewpoint character's... viewpoint? Has something in the story world significantly changed?

Any of those things, among others (too many to list), can add to reader satisfaction upon finishing the story.

I've used this example before and I'm going to do it again, because it's just so perfect. Watch the opening of How to Train Your Dragon, and then watch the very end (after the climax). The similarities make it circular, satisfying, but you can also see a clear change. Not surprisingly, the story doesn't feel like a waste of time.

Set-Up and Grand Finale

Neither of these are turning points, really, but they still match up. The set-up is Act One and the grand finale is Act Three. In the set-up part of a story we are building up toward the main premise, giving all the important elements a push-start into the plot. In the grand finale all of those things are wrapped up.

Whatever is introduced in the set-up makes a final appearance in the grand finale. All the story questions are resolved here, including the main one at the climax. They are not all resolved at the same time, though. You have nearly 25% of the story's total "page time" to wrap up each individual thread in natural succession.

You have the same amount of page time for the set-up as well, but Act One is tricky. The set-up encompasses the entire first act, including the catalyst and debate. It overlaps them. And I know that might be confusing, so just look at it this way: every can of worms you open in Act One must be collected and re-sealed by the close of Act Three.

Catalyst and Break Into Three

Both of these points are attached to a major decision made by the protagonist. The catalyst comes right before a major decision, and the break into the third act comes right after a major decision. So in that sense, these are both major transitional points in the overall story arc.

And they are completely opposite.

The catalyst is usually something largely out of the protagonist's control that inevitably forces them into making the decision that pushes them headfirst your premise (detailed explanation of that can be found here). The break into act three is a result of the protagonist's choice to fix everything, no matter what the cost.

In the first half the protagonist feels more like they are being pushed around at something or someone else's will, not their own. They are still proactive, making decisions, but they are ultimately not in this situation by choice. In the second half the protagonist owns up to everything that's happened so far and determines how to settle it "once and for all."

If you view these two points in terms of opposing viewpoints from the protagonist toward their situation, the importance of these points in the story will be easier to clarify.

A good example of this is in Lauren Oliver's Before I Fall. At the catalyst Sam realizes she is not only alive (after dying the night before), but she is also reliving the same day as yesterday. This pushes her toward the main premise without much choice on her part.

At the break into act three, Sam makes a firm decision to do what she feels will break the curse. Nothing happens by chance here. All the cards have been dealt and she determines how to play her hand.

Next Wednesday we'll cover the remaining three pairs of opposites. If you have any questions about the points in today's post, please feel free to ask in the comment section below.

Happy writing,
~Lydia

Friday Query Critique

Just a friendly reminder: If you're participating in Fresh Baked Books this week, please email your entry (book/s read and/or baking adventures) no later than Saturday night. Review of books is optional. If you don't want to review, just let us know which books you read. Thanks!

_____

If you would like to offer your query for public critique, send it to lydiasharp4sff (at) yahoo (dot) com and put "query critique" somewhere in the subject line.

You may email your query at any time and I will send you a confirmation of receipt.

One to three critiques will be posted each Friday, depending on my workload. Queries are posted anonymous. I may choose to keep your critique private through email (if I do, I will tell you why).

Queries can be for novels of any genre, but my specialty areas are science fiction, fantasy, and young adult fiction (contemporary of any type, science fiction, fantasy).

_____


Query


Dear Agent/Publisher’s Name:

After a trip to his parents’ graves, seventeen-year old David Heiland discovers something bizarre and unusual: he can suddenly make himself invisible to animals. If that isn’t freaky enough, a mysterious letter from his dead mother, and a stranger dressed like an actor from a Renaissance Faire, appear at his mansion, both foretelling his doom and the urgent need for his protection. On his pursuit of the truth, David and his best friend, Charlotte, are kidnapped and thrust into a magical world hanging on the brink of war. Their only chance to return to their home in Havendale, Tennessee, is if David accepts what and who he is – a paladin chosen two hundred years ago to protect the realm from complete annihilation by a vengeful dragon…a dragon that already poked a hole once in David’s world and is not afraid to do it again.

IN THE SHADOW OF THE DRAGON KING is an 85.000 word young adult high fantasy novel that should appeal to fans of Christopher Paolini’s Eragon series and Anne McCaffrey’s The Dragons of Pern. It is the first in a three-part saga.

[bio redacted]

Thank you for your generous time. I look forward to hearing from you.

Lydia's Comments

Dear Agent/Publisher’s Name:

After a trip to his parents’ graves, seventeen-year old David Heiland discovers something bizarre and unusual: he can suddenly make himself invisible to animals. {Feels like you're missing something vital here. This is bizarre and unusual so I'd like at least a hint as to how he discovered this. Is the cemetery full of animals? Do you just mean birds in the trees? Someone's pet dog? And since an animal can't say, "hey, where'd you go?" then I'm confused as to how he knows he is invisible to them. Just animals? Not humans? It's intriguing, but I think it would be more enticing if it weren't quite so blunt, out of the blue.} If that isn’t freaky enough, {This isn't an effective segue.} a mysterious letter from his dead mother, and a stranger dressed like an actor from a Renaissance Faire, appear at his mansion, both foretelling his doom {I'd prefer something more specific. This could mean anything.} and the urgent need for his protection. {I'd break here and start a new paragraph.} On his pursuit of the truth, David and his best friend, Charlotte, {This is the only place Charlotte is mentioned, so she means little to the pitch. No need to waste words on her.} are kidnapped and thrust into a magical world hanging on the brink of war. Their only chance to return to their home in Havendale, Tennessee, {unnecessary detail} is if David accepts what and who he is – a paladin chosen two hundred years ago to protect the realm from complete annihilation by a vengeful dragon…a dragon that already poked a hole once in David’s world and is not afraid to do it again.

The final sentence fell flat because I don't know what "poked a hole once in David's world" is referring to. It left me more confused than intrigued.

IN THE SHADOW OF THE DRAGON KING is an 85.000 word young adult high fantasy novel that should appeal to fans of Christopher Paolini’s Eragon series and Anne McCaffrey’s The Dragons of Pern. It is the first in a three-part saga. {This paragraph is good.}

Based on your title I assume the dragon is very important to the story, but it is only mentioned in the final sentence of the pitch. I would give the dragon more importance in the query. As is, its presence feels only nominally significant.

[bio redacted] {Your bio has a good foundation, but it could use some specifics. i.e. name of the writers' group, titles of published stories, etc.}

Thank you for your generous time. I look forward to hearing from you.

This query has a typical case of "fantasy fatigue." There are too many things going on, and none of them are clear enough to grasp, so it feels like the pitch is all over the place. A reader will get mentally fatigued trying to make sense of it (and I see this most often with fantasy novels).

Here is a list of all the story elements I found in the above pitch.

1. David's parents are dead. He visits their graves.

2. David can make himself invisible to animals. We don't know how or why this is possible, or how he even knows, or, most importantly, why this is significant to the story. It is mentioned once and then forgotten.

3. A mysterious letter is delivered, supposedly from David's dead mother, along with a strange man in costume. We don't know how that is possible, or what the letter says (other than a generic "doom and gloom"), or how this connects to anything else in the story.

4. Strange man in costume needs David's help. We don't know what kind of help he thinks David can give.

5. David pursues truth. We don't know what this is specifically referring to. His invisibility to animals? The mysterious letter? The weirdo who's begging for help?

6. David is kidnapped and whisked away into a magical war-torn world. We don't know who kidnaps him, how he gets there, or what happened to the guy who a moment ago so desperately needed his help. We also don't know how this relates to anything else, so what is likely an intense event in the novel has just lost its intended impact.

7. The only way for David to escape is to accept who and what he is. This makes no sense because it hasn't been properly set up in the sentences preceding it.

8. David is "a paladin chosen two hundred years ago to protect the realm from complete annihilation by a vengeful dragon." We can't grasp this because it doesn't fully connect with anything presented thus far.

9. The dragon already did something horrible in David's world and is threatening to do it again. We don't know what this horrible thing is so we can't truly be worried over it. Again, not properly set up so it falls flat and confuses.

That is a lot crammed into a single paragraph. The key is to make the events feel like they naturally connect, and that's where the query is falling short. Nothing feels relevant to anything else. We can guess how some of it connects, but guessing is frustrating. Lead us down a clear path. Focus on a single, smooth plot thread (the main one of the story), and snip away the frayed edges (extraneous story elements).

Thanks for offering your query for public critique, and good luck with this!

Does anyone else have any suggestions for our brave writer-friend?

~Lydia

Positive and Negative Effects of eReading

A few months ago The Hubby got me a surprise gift. A Kindle. I'd been saying I wanted one for most of 2011, never thinking I'd actually get one. And I was okay with not having one, really, I just thought it'd be nice to have if we could ever afford it. But Joe is sneaky about saving cash sometimes. Completely out of the blue one day, I sit down to write and there is a Kindle-sized box from Amazon resting on my laptop.

I was literally speechless. And frozen. I just stared at him all wide-eyed and jaw-dropping. My reaction was so cliche' Hallmark commercial I wanted to slap myself. He found this quite hilarious. Once I got over the shock and he got over the giggles, I ripped open the box, scanned through the instruction manual, and then immediately started downloading books.

Ever since then, I've noticed my reading habits and preferences have changed. And we're only talking a few months here. No more than three, to be exact. It's that quick. Most of these changes are positive. Some aren't so positive... but I don't think the not-so positive effects are earth-shatteringly negative, either.

Here are my observations.

I read faster on my Kindle. It took me a while to figure out why this is true, and I'm still not 100% certain that the following explanation is the only reason, but it does make a huge difference.

On my Kindle I can adjust the text and line-spacing to whatever feels the most comfortable for my eyes. I can't do this with a print book-- you get whatever the publisher gave you. Maybe I'm just a picky reader, but if the text is too squished, or too small, it greatly affects my enjoyment of the book regardless of the content. I will keep reading a good book, even if the text is bothering me. But it will take me much longer to finish it because I have to keep stopping to rest my eyes.

When you set your personal preferences for text size and line spacing, that becomes the default, and every book you download will automatically be displayed with your set preference. So in this way, an e-reader puts every book on equal starting ground. You don't get distracted by things like varying fonts, and whether or not you like the brightness, texture, etc. of the paper. I hadn't realized how much those things affected my enjoyment of print books until I tried something else.

And if you have a basic Kindle like I do, without the option for color graphics, book covers don't sway you into reading something you don't really care for. When browsing on my Kindle, I rely mostly on titles and blurbs to "sell" me the book. So if every book is presented equally, then you are better able to judge a book by its most important factor-- the content. The story. The author's individual style of word usage. Etc.

This is extremely helpful for someone like me who has a never-ending list of books to read by yesterday. And Kindle even takes this a step further into awesomeness with the "try a sample" feature. When I'm interested in reading a book, I download the sample first. Samples always start at the beginning, and run anywhere from 1-5 chapters in length. That's usually more than enough for me to make a decision on whether or not to keep reading.

• If the book doesn't grab me, in some way, by the end of the sample, then I take it off my to-read list. Period. No regrets.
• If I'm still on the fence about the book after reading the sample, then I'll reserve a copy at my library. But you might be surprised by how many samples I don't even finish before deciding the book is or isn't for me.
• If I'm totally hooked by the sample, then I'll either download the rest of the book immediately or, more likely, reserve a copy at my library. I wish I could buy everything, I really do.

Doing this, and reading faster, has greatly improved the manageability of my reading pile. This fact alone, in my opinion, makes investing in an e-reader well worth it. Especially if you're a busy writer. A writer is first a reader, and the easier/ more quickly/ more efficiently you can read MORE BOOKS will definitely aid your career.

This isn't to say that I don't like reading print books anymore. I still have an ever-present stack of books to read that I've checked out from the library, plus books that I purchased, for whatever reason, and just haven't made time to read yet. But I have sort of been ruined to them.

I used to go to the library (and to the bookstore, back when we had one... damn you, Borders, for going out of business) and browse shelves with the intent of making a decision on whether or not to take the books home with me. I still do this, but it's difficult for me now.

The reason? I've gotten so used to reading on a device set to my personal preferences that it has spoiled me. I'm much more sensitive to print and paper that doesn't feel quite right to my eyes. And knowing this, I'd rather not allow it to affect what books I read, because I could be missing out on something fabulous... just because I didn't like the font size and spacing? No, that doesn't seem fair.

Sometimes I will browse library shelves, just for the nostalgia of it. Like a spectator at a museum. Every so often, I will see a book I hadn't found online or on my Kindle and like it enough to check out. That is extremely rare these days, though, because I do most of my browsing and decision-making at home, only setting foot in the library to pick up what I'd reserved through my online account, or drop-off what I've finished.

Although, that's not entirely true, either, simply because my local library is quite amazing, and sometimes I go there just to read in the Reading Room of Awesome (one of many in the building, but this one is my favorite). It has floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking the woods, thickly cushioned lounge chairs each with their own side table and footstool, and (especially awesome in winter) a hugely giant double-sided fireplace.

I swear, one of these days, I'm going to do a special blog post just about my library. The paragraph above doesn't even begin to relay how totally fabulous it is.

*ahem* Where was I?

Reading on my Kindle has fed my impatient nature. This is not entirely a bad thing, but also not entirely good. I like to read new books as soon as they are released. With a Kindle, if I purchase the book, I can do that. But 9 times out of 10 I can't purchase the book. And even though my library is really great about acquiring new books as soon as they release, and even if I reserve a copy as soon as it's released, I still have to wait for the library to get their copy.

And I'm not always the first in line for the reserved copies. More torturous waiting.

In the days before my Kindle, I thought nothing of having to wait weeks for a library copy, especially if it was an in-demand book. Now I will (sometimes) drop ten bucks just so I can READ IT NOW.

Which is another problem that isn't entirely a problem. With my Kindle, I'm buying more books. This is good for me (I don't have to wait), good for the industry (sales are sales, no matter the format), but not-so great for my bank account.

But I suppose I can add one more positive to this discussion before turning it over to all of you. Having an e-reader is a constant lesson in financial responsibility. If you're as broke as I am and you read as much as I do, every purchase versus non-purchase has to be well-thought-out. Ten bucks (new release!) plus five bucks plus three bucks (special promotion!) plus ninety-nine cents plus another ten bucks (another new release!) adds up quickly. Even the cheap books can pile up and do damage if you're not paying attention.

The bottom line here? I'm extremely happy with my e-reader, and I still read print books. It's nice to have a choice. It's nice to have an efficient system for whittling down my reading pile. And it's nice to be able to support my fellow authors by reading more and buying more.

Has anyone else noticed a change in their reading habits, either positive or negative or a mixture of both, since acquiring an e-reader?

~Lydia

Friday Query Critique

If you would like to offer your query for public critique, send it to lydiasharp4sff (at) yahoo (dot) com and put "query critique" somewhere in the subject line.

You may email your query at any time and I will send you a confirmation of receipt.

One to three critiques will be posted each Friday, depending on my workload. Queries are posted anonymous. I may choose to keep your critique private through email (if I do, I will tell you why).

Queries can be for novels of any genre, but my specialty areas are science fiction, fantasy, and young adult fiction (contemporary of any type, science fiction, fantasy).


Query


Dear Ms. Agent,

Books and fairy tales have always been a refuge for nineteen year old albino Ansel Whitetree. That is, until a genuine damsel in distress shows up on his doorstep and the line between real life and storybook suddenly gets blurred. Moved to help the runaway girl, whom he nicknames Catskin, Ansel offers her refuge. Prone to panic attacks and acts of defensive violence, Catskin is as dangerous as she is fragile. But with the help of Ansel and his family, she slowly begins to regain control of her fears and lingering insecurities. As Catskin’s strength grows, so does the attraction she and Ansel share.

But when Catskin refuses to talk about what happened to her, a desperate Ansel goes behind her back to learn the truth and discovers that the monsters of Catkin’s past are not what he expected. Then an accident leaves Catskin hovering between life and death, and Ansel faces unexpected choices. By contacting Catskin’s estranged family, he unwittingly provokes a violent collision between the world Catskin was born to, and the one she now shares with Ansel. In the struggle that follows, Ansel learns that sometimes, you have to make your own happily ever afters.

A lyrical contemporary YA inspired by the fairy tale ‘Catskin’ AMAROK AND THE GONE MISSING GIRL is complete at 104,000 words. It will appeal to fans of The Wolves of Mercy Falls trilogy.

[bio redacted]

Thank you for your time and attention. I look forward to hearing from you.


Lydia's Comments


Dear Ms. Agent,

Books and fairy tales have always been a refuge {How so?} for nineteen year old albino Ansel Whitetree. That is, until a genuine damsel in distress shows up on his doorstep and the line between real life and storybook suddenly gets blurred. Moved to help the runaway girl, whom he nicknames Catskin, {Does she not have a name of her own?} Ansel offers her refuge. {repetitive. Can you use a different word here?} Prone to panic attacks and acts of defensive violence, Catskin is as dangerous as she is fragile. But with the help of Ansel and his family, she slowly begins to regain control of her fears and lingering insecurities. As Catskin’s strength grows, so does the attraction she and Ansel share.

At this point I'm wondering why Ansel and his family are caring for her instead of trying to find her family, or take her to a hospital/mental health facility, etc. If there are adults involved in this "rescue mission" (Ansel's parents?), I am now questioning their ethics.

I also don't understand the storybook element. You started with it, so I assumed it's important. But then it disappeared. It doesn't feel important anymore. Why is your first sentence about how Ansel needs to seek refuge in storybooks if it isn't vital to the rest of the pitch?

Third, I cut a lot from the end of the first paragraph because you interrupted the plot flow with what I'm assuming is a subplot. No room for subplots in a query, especially if you only touch on them in a single sentence and then move on. The first sentence of paragraph two now connects with the "new" last sentence in paragraph one (after my cut). Keep the pitch fluid, no unnecessary interruptions.

But when Catskin refuses to talk about what happened to her, a desperate Ansel goes behind her back to learn the truth and discovers that the monsters of Catkin’s past are not what he expected. {This tells me nothing. Be specific.} Then an accident leaves Catskin hovering between life and death, and Ansel faces unexpected choices. By contacting Catskin’s estranged family, he unwittingly provokes a violent collision between the world Catskin was born to, and the one she now shares with Ansel. In the struggle that follows, {again, too vague.} Ansel learns that sometimes, you have to make your own happily ever afters. {I'm not a fan of ending on something that the character learns through the course of the story. It deflates the tension.}

A lyrical contemporary YA inspired by the fairy tale ‘Catskin’ AMAROK {Who? Why is this the first time I'm seeing a name that is important enough to be in the title? This makes me think the pitch is missing something vital.} AND THE GONE MISSING GIRL is complete at 104,000 words. It will appeal to fans of The Wolves of Mercy Falls trilogy.{I'm not usually one to nitpick on word count, but being a YA contemp novel, I would suggest bringing that final wc closer to 90K, if possible. At the very least, bring it under 100K.}

[bio redacted]

Your bio was well written.

Thank you for your time and attention. I look forward to hearing from you.

Overall, this query is not doing your story justice. There are too many words that are doing too little work. The pitch lacks a needed sense of urgency because it's too vague at the end. I'm also wondering if you perhaps have traveled too far into the story with your second paragraph, thus leaving no room to clarify the important points.

It's a delicate balance. You want to start the query at the first major point of change and end at the first major point of decision. No further.

I would scrap the very first sentence and start with something more enticing, since the storybook element is not mentioned anywhere else (except the "happily ever after" phrase at the end, but I'm suggesting you cut that line, too). It doesn't connect to anything; it's a frayed edge. Cut it loose. Rewrite.

End on something more intense, like Ansel's Big Touch Decision on whether or not he should contact Catskin's family. What are the consequences if he does? If he doesn't? The final words in the pitch should have an electric urgency.

Thank you so much for offering your query for public critique, and good luck!

Does anyone else have any suggestions for our brave writer-friend?

~Lydia

Back to Basics: Every Scene Must Have Conflict

Whether you're new to writing or an established veteran, it's always good to refresh yourself on the basics from time to time. And yes, I mean me, too. I recently came across some advice on conflict that, even though I'd heard it a gasquillion times before, was very eye-opening, like it was brand-spanking-new to me.

Every scene must have conflict.

Simple, I know. But not really. First let's break that down into its fundamental parts.

Every = no exclusions. Every scene in your story, no matter how lengthy or short, has to have some kind of conflict.

Scene = anything between scene breaks or chapter breaks. Even if that scene/chapter is only half a page long.

Must have = (again) no exclusions. Repetition for emphasis.

Conflict = internal or external hindrance to a goal

Based on the definition of conflict, then, you can reasonably assume that every scene must also have a goal. Without a goal, conflict is not possible.

Conflict is what keeps the tension high and keeps the reader engaged, so if conflict is not possible without a scene goal (or a story goal overall), then we can rightly say that you must start each scene with a goal in mind.

I admit, when I first started writing "professionally" I didn't understand what it meant to have a goal for each scene. (I also didn't fully understand the idea of conflict. Not surprisingly, the two go hand in hand.) When I read about giving your scenes a specific starting goal, I thought that meant you had to spell out the goal for the reader.

But doing that doesn't give your reader the intellectual credit they deserve, and starting every new scene with something akin to "I need to get to the post office before they close or this very important package will be late, creating a maelstrom of devastating consequences" doesn't make for very good reading, either.

Scene goals should be fluid, seamless, to the story already in progress. In fact, your reader shouldn't even notice them as specific, laid out goals half the time. What they will notice, if the scene goal is presented well, is the conflict. The reader will have a sense of "this needs to be done, but this other thing is preventing it, oh crap." And that's what you want.

The audience is made aware of the goal because of the obvious push of whatever is trying to stop it. Not because you, the author, have spelled out the goal for them on the page. When the reader feels the conflict more than the goal, they will root for the success of that goal without even really thinking about it. It's a survival instinct. We want the good guy to win. We want the problem to be solved. We want the conflict to be overcome.

That isn't to say that goals should be invisible. Some of them, such as the goal of the main plot, should be very blatant. But that is an overarching goal that covers the length of a story. When you narrow things down to the scene level, it becomes more subtle.

And that's why it's more difficult.

I've seen the following example used on writing blogs to the point of wanting to shoot my own eyes out. Even veteran authors and editors have used it. Why? Because it's basic, and teaching at the basic level usually gets results. But in my opinion, they've created more confusion, or worse, an illusion of understanding. Beginners, especially, now think that they have to write their scenes with a basic format like this:

Bob walks into his boss' office with the intent of asking for a raise.
His boss tells him he can have the raise after he proves his worth on the newest company project.
Bob leaves the office with a new goal (ensuring the success of the project) because doing so will help him reach his original goal (getting a raise).

It's a good foundation on which to build conflict. But it's not in story form, so when referring to an example like this we miss a LOT of what is essential in making it work-- the delivery.

A good delivery involves multiple layers of conflict and shifting scene goals.

I recently read the most perfect example of effectively presenting scene goals and conflicts in the opening chapters of EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO SURVIVE THE APOCALYPSE by Lucas Klauss. If you'd like to follow along, click here to view the sample chapters.

In chapter one, the conflict is immediate. The first three lines are a repetition of the word "ow." Pain is an effective inner and outer conflict because the goal is so simple-- get rid of the pain. Human nature makes us want the pain to be gone, no matter where it came from or who is feeling it. By the end of page one we understand where the pain is being felt and why. This helps us figure out how the viewpoint character can possibly overcome the conflict.

And there you have it. A scene goal and immediate conflict right in the reader's face by the end of the first page.

As the chapter rolls on, however, we're introduced to yet another conflict-- Ferret, the track coach. He isn't very well liked, especially if it appears that you are just standing around, even if you're not moving because you're injured.

So the scene goal has just shifted, made clear by the new conflict. Now the viewpoint character needs to somehow avoid the wrath of his unreasonable coach. This leaks into the next chapter by way of a cliffhanger ending of the first chapter. Someone does catch up to him, but it isn't who he was expecting. Is this person better or worse? We aren't sure, so we keep reading.

Chapter two begins with a new scene goal, (again) made clear by conflict. Our brave pain-fighting hero from chapter one has now become a blubbering idiot in the presence of a girl. He wants to appear cool and confident, but his track record isn't so great. He somehow manages to get the girl to laugh, but internally he's dying of awkwardness and wants to get away.

And just as that conflict is now seemingly evaded, the next is riding hot on its heels. The coach is approaching, and Phillip has clearly been not running like he's supposed to be for a good stretch of time. The scene goal shifts, made clear by the conflict. He now has to face his unreasonable coach with this girl still hovering close by, making him feel all self-conscious. This multi-layered conflict, both internal and external, makes chapter two an even better read than chapter one.

It continues in the same manner from there, chapter after chapter of shifting scene goals and facing new conflict. That's how you keep readers reading. Without conflict, there is no sense of urgency, no tension. Without a scene goal, you have no conflict. But it all has to feel seamless, natural, as you're reading the story.

So when you see the advice "every scene must have conflict", it doesn't necessarily mean that every scene must be a life or death situation, or even feel like a life or death situation. Conflict comes in many forms and different levels of intensity. What you use and how you use it will depend on the individual needs of your story.

The best thing you can do to see what is appropriate for you is to read novels that are similar in genre, style, and scope to yours. Analyze how the author balances between scene goals and new conflicts. Apply the techniques you think work best.

Happy writing,
~Lydia